Why I Feel I am Owed a Refund from Groupon, an essay.

Nothing like the sweet, sticky smell of honey and hot wax being smeared over your Netherlands like a stubborn, stale marshmallow at the end of a charred stick long after the campfire has died down. Nothing like the tugging and snagging of your most delicate of delicates and Holy of Holies as the tongue depressor smears its way across your bikini line while you o’ so gracefully hold your ankles to your forehead, behind your ears, or in full downward dog pose as you balance on a shaky massage table. And there’s nothing like the smooth, though slightly swollen, inflamed prettiness that ensues once those gleaming strips of crisp linen have all been ripped away, far, far away. No, there’s nothing like it, and if I have to wait for Groupon to deliver it, there’s also no way I will ever know.

I purchased my Groupon coupon for two Brazilian waxes back in September 2012 from Sei Bella Skin Care in San Diego. Oh, I would have to hire a sitter to allow me the reprieve to get down the hill and have my girl parts tended to. Sure, the cost of paying the sitter alone sort of washes the whole discount feature of the Groupon out, but my friend Donna recently took advantage of a similar promotion, loved her service, recommended her waxer to us all, and I couldn’t wait to have a similar experience.

Living back in Chicago, I had a great relationship with my bikini waxer. She was some kind of Russian, petite, beautiful, and had the strength to rip a phone book in half. Her name was Lana. She was older with teenagers at home, single, and would always ask me if I had been “making the sex,” while she was down there, digging around. I never knew if she was just living vicariously or believed herself to have seen some evidence of an act or what. Anyway, I digress. When your bikini waxer has you rest your calf on the back of her neck as she goes to work, you develop a real intimacy, is my point. I loved Lana. When I moved back to California, the search for a new Lana was on.

On this search I once visited the office of a plastic surgeon in Temecula where one could get services like this done. The girl was green, but mean. And bossy. She made me spit out my gum in the middle of the service! And she looked all disgusted and rolled her eyes when I asked if the bikini wax I was paying for could possibly be a few inches higher on my leg than the kneecap she was so intently working on. You can’t be squeamish and be in this business! What a nut bag. I didn’t go back. She is SO lucky there was no facebook or Yelp! back then.

Fast forward a few years of alternative laser hair removal and a couple kids later… and here is this wonderful Grouponportunity! I called the number on my coupon right away. Voice mail. Please text “Lisa” for booking an appointment. Rad! My rabid spider monkey children never let me finish a phone call anyway. Texting is my best friend! So we text… “Oh, I am booked this day, what about that,” “No, I only can get my sitter on this day, how about this coming up week,” “Okay let me check,” then no answer… Some time goes by and I try again, “Me again! What does your schedule look like this week? I can come this day or this day…” …crickets crickets crickets…. Then out of the blue she texts be back “By the way, if you don’t text me during business hours I tend to lose the messages.” Fair enough, so I write right back (and it’s business hours) and then it goes dead again, this time for daaaaaaays…

Then I start to get paranoid. What if there are scammer people out there selling tickets and services without ever intending to perform the task paid for? What if I’ve been duped and this broad is just stringing me along? She does NOT have a local number… crap! She probably doesn’t even have an aesthetician’s license! She’s off on a sailboat somewhere spending my hard-earned $40 bucks! How can I get a little more assertive about getting my appointment without pissing her off? The last thing I need is another awkward encounter, and this little scenario is already feeling way too tense. Why would anyone get someone good and angry, and then arm that person with the tools to really inflict some bodily damage? If I do get my appointment at this point, and Lisa here is feeling in a vendetta kind of mood, it is ALL OVER for my hoo-ha and then I would have just PAID her for it! And who are we kidding? I probably would have tipped her, too!

Well, after a few more VERY polite messages trying to coax some kind of helpfulness out of this woman to no avail, I realize we have passed the point of no return, so I let her know that I need to ask for a refund as it just wasn’t working out for us to get together.

Man did that get her attention. She told me basically to eff off, and for me to talk to Groupon about a refund. She told me to stick my Groupon you-know-where, and then she (this is all still via text messaging, btw) said that “customers like me are the reason small business owners HATE groupon and that I can go skull-hump my deceased grandmother.” I was like, WHAT? Why would you say something so negative about Groupon? I’m pretty sure these kind of social deal outfits are designed largely in part to HELP ADVANCE small businesses. Was Living Social and Groupon going around with Nazi guns forcing everyone to participate in their promotions and wear a big green “G” on their lapels? If her bikini-waxing career was so amazing, then why was she in this racket? What a horrible, sad, unnecessary waste of time. My s#%@ could have been waxed 3 times in the period between this last hurrah and me buying in.

In the future, I will try to have a little more foresight when buying into a social deal. I recently bought tickets online to take the spider monkeys to see Yo Gabba Gabba, and I am completely worry free knowing there is no chance in hell that I will inadvertently give DJ Lance Rock stink eye, causing his artist’s sensibility to blow the whole show or berate me on stage or the like. I will absolutely grab a two-for-one meal deal, or maybe a percentage off my next shopping trip. Colon Hydrotherapy? Probably not. God forbid you upset that technician or they are just “having a bad day” during that procedure.

I tried to make it work, I tried to avoid sabotage. I promise to be a good and faithful Grouponian from here on out. Older, wiser, and fuzzier than I prefer to be, but for now, dearest Groupon, can I please have my money back?